Wake up call?
The sensation of being immoblised and the images of falling into endless pits of infinite darkness is still very much fresh in my mind. Well, last night, in the middle of my sleep, I was suddenly jolted into a very queer 'dream', which consisted of me falling into neverending pits of darkness, causing much panic and dizziness in the dream. I wanted to wake myself up from this almost terrifying dream, then I realise I couldn't command a single bit of my muscle. I believe this hapless sense of panic lasted for a minute, I estimated. In this span of time, I recall hearing Kampfar's Lyktemann playing faintly in the background, with that wrathful growls, deepening my fright. Using all my willpower, I finally managed to prye open my eyelids which weight like lead bars. Lyktemann was still heard by me, this diabolical cacophony of agnoised gutteral screams. Rousing myself up, ableit finally, I see the CD I have been listening to before bed. Nemesis Divina by Satyricon. That damned eagle on the CD cover looked into my eyes forcefully, even though the room was very much darkened.
I said to myself, "Oh no... Can't be black metal that caused this fucked up thing." I entertained myself with endless questions like, "Possessed?", "Satan's here?". Then, I could almost feel myself speaking in tongue. The Christain Hebrew tongue. Thank Loki that I controlled it, otherwise, I'd be scared shitless.
I fearfully lied back on the bed, looking up the ceiling, thinking wildly.
Is it time for me to quit listening to Black Metal?, I questioned myself.
Or, denouncing such blasphemious unevidenced claims, would it be caused by uncomfortable sleeping positions? Not enough rest recently? Low blood pressure? Rapid eye movement during sleep?
I have no fucking idea. All I know is that I want a good, uninterrupted night sleep today.
¶ 11:34 pm0 comments
Monday, January 29, 2007
It's really amazing that I didn't have the slightest urge to step out of the house for the entire weekend, not due to the fact that I have common test next week [this I can handle decently well] but the fact that cable TV offers too many shows to watch.
Discovery Channel. MTV. HBO. BBC. This goes on in loops.
Omg. I think I need a TV repellent, haha, pretty rare right now as most people are addicted being online now. And here I am, going backwards in time, getting hooked to the telly. Lol.
Just watched The Island on HBO. Pretty decent sci-fi thriller film. It's the first dystopian film that ends with a happy ending I have ever seen. 1984, A Clockwork Orange, A.I., all ends up really tragic. Ah wells, I think I am about to contradict myself again. Tragic yes, but those in The Island are clones, not supposed to be integrated into the society. But! They are living homo sapiens with a conscious! Ah crap. I just hate these paradoxes. [kills my brain cells]
Speaking of such philosophical topics, I would like to bring up the notion I had in mind for weeks. I'm so inspired by John Lennon's Imagine. Just watch the video and lyrics below. How I yearn for such an utopia to materialise... Obviously impossible though.
Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries It isn't hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion too Imagine all the people Living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed or hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will live as one
For the first time in my entire 18 years of life, I will have the luxury of watching Cable TV at my own leisure and home, besides looting shows at friends' place.
MTV, Wildboyz, Movies, Discovery Channel, Tabloid shows, here I come! [grin]
¶ 9:24 pm0 comments
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Finally. Volkerball. Here!
As I walk into Sebawang store at Plaza Singapura like many times before, with a half-given-up mindset, today. Not having much thought of wanting to ask about my request for Rammstein's Volkerball DVD's progress, I walked and looked around aimlessly. When I was about to leave, the familiar staff recognised me due to my incessant enquires about Volkerball and brought me some good news.
Volkerball will finally hit Singapore's stores on 1st Feburary 2007!It was officially released on 20th November 2006, people. I have waited in utmost agony and patience and in vain for, let's see, at least 73 days aka 1752 hours aka 105120 minutes aka 6307200 seconds and counting.
Such insane devotion, Rammstein, I only think it's fair for you guys to pay Singapore a long-due visit, perhaps bring some instruments and flamethrowers as well. Don't you agree?
For the past 73 days aka 1752 hours aka 105120 minutes aka 6307200 seconds, I have abstained from the pleasure of watching clips of the DVD from Youtube and reading the many reviews (nice word for spoilers, actually) on Herzeleid.net forums, which in turn killed many of my cells due to the execruiating wait and hearing people getting the Limited Edition on the first day. It was Hell, I tell you.
With one step closer to changing my current CCA which caused me much woes and depression recently, I feel very much relieved, ableit the fact that there's now some metalheads in the club. I still feel that the need to struggle through the (often tiring as hell) sessions and having no musical background (except for air drumming, sometimes), it was really quite exhausting. Ah wells, I'll be talking this to the teachers soon, afterwhich, I will be liberated! [smiles] I must say I learnt quite abit about recording/microphone-knowledge/singing/cello/keyboard chords, though. It was an pleasant experience nonetheless, just that I have to prevent myself from getting too tired from school activities.
Would be transferring to Mind Games aka Chess-Nerding-Weirdo-Geeking. Where, I heard from YL, they only require once a week meeting that lasts only one and half hour. That rocked. =D Ah wells, at least I have the prior knowledge of chess, both international and chinese. Plus, Yik Kwang and Barry, my sec 1-2 classmates are there! I think I will be able to fit in there just nice.
Enough of CCA. That word has almost driven me to madness.
It is so refreshing to be able to watch Flourish videos at the end of each tired day, to be dazzled by the spinning packets, the languid movements of those delectable fingers and pasteboards, the fanciful twists and turns. They are like the visual escape from this ugly world. Loves flourishing to its death.
My Chinese New Year Flourish performance is now 90% confirmed, only lacking the technican's (positive) reply that the camera-projector setup is feasible. This will be my second time performing flourishes on stage, *recalls Magic Unlimited 2005*. Jaspas said conquering the stage fright is the easy part. Riiight. I hope this will spawn my series of performances (for my Graduation Certificate!) in school, and gain enough experience to do it for the media afterwards. Now I need to familiarise myself with the move-sequence.
I acquired an Anne Rice book a week ago, the erotica stuff that she wrote under pen name, Anne Rampling. I must say they are delicious. :p
Marilyn Manson the God of Fuck Himself just left his wife, Dita Von Tesse. What the hell is wrong with that guy? Dita is the paragon of virtue and beauty, how can anyone reject her?! It's impossible. And Manson refuses to see her again or to provide her with finanical assistance. I guess my role model image is tainted now. I was still hoping to see if they do have any kids in the future. Sigh.
I need to muggerify myself for Common Test 1.
I didn't know Vika was such a House-addict as well. One more common interest tick in the list.
Amateur Philosophy Attempt One.
Here are some of the aphorisms I conjured up in the last holidays, decided to post them up here. Enjoy, whether you have the same viewpoint as me or not. =) _______
You reaches home and takes a shower. The water washes away all the pretentious qualities of you. Washing away your mask of social pomposity. After that, then you are yourself.
Once you awake, noises of trivial chatter and meaningless songs flood you unbridled. Not having any control over them, you are saturated with unwanted inputs, all day and all night. There will be a point you will be overtaken by them – the incessant noises. You no longer can listen to yourself.
In times of depression, think of absolutely nothing. Make no connections with anything. Visualize a lone man standing atop a tall pole, with all the emotions wallowing at the bottom.
No longer do I believe in Good or Evil. God or Satan. Worship of sound actions should be implemented worldwide.
To believe in something, you have to lie to yourself first.
This world is going retrograde.
Bloodshed. Mankind's first and favourite pastime.
Sui Generis. Dare to be a real individual, dare to be in your own league.
Stupidity. The worst sin to commit.
Facade. The State never thinks for the betterment of her people.
The state of your mind likens to the path you take. Walk along the barren and easy one, your mind would be as clean as a slate, so devoid of growth. And, otherwise.
[All comments of different shapes and sizes are cordially welcomed. Just tag!]
Just be okay.
Right now, I just want my sister to be safe and out of pain.
This is when it sucks being an atheist, you have no Gods to pray to. Ack.
I'll be visiting my sister at the hospital tomorrow after school, to make sure she's ''alright'', although I know she will be damn miserable and in great pain. I am, and the whole family, will be with you regardless whatever.
I should start a petition regarding idiotic design of the public floors, make them practical and slipping-free, assholes, instead of putting nice tiles and shit. And, ban all lousy slippers as well! Ugh, I have no mood or whatsoever for school or anything right now.
The family will be there to share the pain with you, Ling Kai, my dearest talented sister, Ling Xuan 14th Jan 2006
¶ 10:18 pm0 comments
To Reign in Hell (From ANUS.com)
As is known to those who take the time to think on such esoteric topics, it is impossible to know the good without the bad. There is a middle state, without judgment, where nothing much matters, but too much lingering here and one discovers a kind of personal entropy: since all decisions are equally of this middle state, there's no point making any decision. Linger in the stream and let it pass. Of course, in that state, there is also none of the reward of accomplishment.
Making choices after all defines us. From the simplest satisfactions when we choose to clean our homes or organize our lives in a better fashion, to the greatest choices, when we stand our ground for a principle or ideal, choice makes us feel alive because in it we are exercising the capacity of life. This capacity is at its simplest level motion, and at its most complex motion through the world of ideas. We feel alive when we encounter a choice and make a good one. We feel dead when we shirk from these choices, even if we're "comfortable" with our warm homes, cars, video games, pornography and serving-size packaged prefabricated foods.
Excepting such a middle state, we live for making choices toward what is good and avoiding what is bad. As with all judgments and categories, these exist in a spectrum from simple goods like a clean house being superior to a filth-hole, to complex ends where we prefer a society that is not failing to one that allows us excess of comfort. Our choices are informed by our knowledge of what is good, or what ends in an order that is beneficial to us, and what is bad, or what results in less organization and less beneficial aspects. Disorder is another form of entropy, one that is fatal to individuals and societies alike.
Our knowledge of good and bad is entirely dependent on experience, although we come pre-programmed with some knowledge. Snakes are for the most part bad, in our genetic heritage, and depending on where our families originated, there may be other primal fears and primal desires. Germans seem to like order and cleanliness over all else, where to an Italian, a warm house full of good food takes precedence. What we all share that is not learned is a knowledge that some things will end well, and others will not. If we are attuned to ourselves, we become uneasy deep in our gut when we are part of a course of action that we suspect will not end well.
We wonder if indeed our universe learned by the same method, since our thoughts and their maturation so resemble the processes we see in nature whether planets forming from circling gasses or species adapting general principles to specific environments. Our furthest conjecture might envision a nothingness so absolute it is not even an empty space, only an absence in totality, which at some point through a routine error was able to recognize two parts of itself as distinct, and thus created "space" so both could exist. Is the universe made of thoughts? It certainly seems as if it acts that way.
In John Milton's "Paradise Lost," the most beautiful of angels so made Error and rebelled against an all-seeing God, and was thus cast into a Hell, dividing existence between Heaven and Hell and their mediate zone, this mortal space of time and body we know as "life on earth." Satan, cast among the wreckage with his fellow rebels, reflects on his fate with the stolidity of a Greek tragedic deity: It is better to reign in hell, he surmises, than to serve in heaven. From error comes new life, and from Satan's fall comes what we know on earth as the significance of choice between good and bad. With only heaven, there was no need for such choice, and through error, the universe expanded.
When we return from our spacy conjecture to the reality of our present time, we can see a parallel construction: without certain knowledges, we are unaware of how what transpires will end. A child will not be concerned when people around him or her are taking methamphetamine, because that becomes in that child's experience "normal"; in the same way, a child can be inculcated to live around any population or behavior, but this does not mean such behaviors will end well or poorly. In the same way, we who grow up in a certain society know it as "normal" and must actively assess its tenets and actions as to how they will end.
But our experience limits us, and in this we see the wisdom of hell. Most grow up in the normalcy and do not second-guess it, but accept its failings as a matter of course and do their best to dodge them. Fewer than one percent of all people question the actual direction of society or its future impact. Among those, only a few have either sought or seen hell and remained mentally intact enough to process it.
Of course, hell takes many forms. Some find hell on the battlefield, others in a broken home, and still others in crime or economic desolation. Others find it more subtly in the interactions of people. Win an award, get a promotion, make a work of art, or get famous, and suddenly you find that your friends are retaliating against you. Or sniping, expecting you to pick up the check and not care about the damage they do to your house. In the quiet moments after such events, when the puzzled mind attempts to diagnose the situation... and one realizes that other people can be motivated by revenge, small-minded envy, and even a simple parasitic desire to steal.
Having seen hells created by humans, or even the hell that a solitary human can bring to us, we become more critical of any potential action. Our sphere of good expectations has been violated, but much as Satan in discovering hell found a certain liberation, we find that we are disassociated as a result from an illusion. We no longer believe that all is well no matter what we do. Through the impact of horror, and by seeing the empty and false motivations of others, we realize not only that we are in the driver's seat of our own lives, but that there is no guarantee things will work out alright on their own -- more likely, they'll turn out terribly, since many of the people in command have the same revengeful outlook as the others in whom we discover anew hell.
In the same way an inexperienced Satan could not know the power of his own choice, because he never had the chance to screw up and get thrown into hell, modern people are inexperienced and know not hell. They are virgins of true depression, true fear, and true horror because they have surrogate experiences of pleasure and pain within a system that doesn't vary -- although it postpones all of its biggest disasters much like it puts its trash in landfills, criminals in prisons, toxic waste in oceans, incompetents in government. They get excited by a change in job, and get depressed by a broken car. But do they face real horror or victory, the chance for change not in an event within their lives but the form of those lives themselves?
Until one knows hell, one cannot look into the structure of things. Behind the visible, behind the immediate, there is the way elements of a situation interact to perpetuate it. To see hell is to realize how those things bring about negativity. To see hell is to wish to know the only way to avoid it is to tackle these difficult and complex but rewarding invisible structures. Any idiot can bash an attacking wolf on the head, but how many can realize the misdirection of an upstream tributary disrupted a hunting ground and brought on the wolf? Or spotting an error that does not attack like the wolf, but leaves out necessary things, laying the groundwork for future failure. To see hell is to realize, like Satan did, that the visible is only part of what must be considered.
To realize hell is to see that the invisible world must be tackled. We cannot exist in the solely visible world, where tangible concepts are presented to us and we vote upon them or buy them but never change the structure of society. The visible world is what humans create for one another, with words and symbols and flags. The invisible world, more than what they say they mean, is the future results of their actions as designed. The invisble world is what will determine the difference between heaven and hell long before the impact of decisions past makes those states come about.
Critical thinking, or the ability to analyze complex structure where there is no single supporting idea (linearity) but a balance of all points balancing all others (architectonic), is the rarest of abilities in our world. It requires thinkers who dedicate time and energy to understanding, but it also requires a vision of enough hell to desire heaven. It is not surprising that our best thinkers, writers, leaders and artists warn us that our society is a path to hell, and most repeat those words and change nothing of their behavior or political outlook. They haven't seen hell, because hell is invisible until its consequences are felt. For those who can predict those consequences, hell arrives early.
The ancients considered critical thinking to be intelligence. They knew that with enough practice and indoctrination, marginally intelligent people could be made "intelligent" in a narrow field with few tactics that need applying. You can teach almost anyone to be a computer programmer, because most of the "thinking" is responding to variants on already-known scenarios and memory work to find the right matching piece in response. It's like fitting shaped blocks into holes. Our smart people today are singular function linear thinkers, of a partial intelligence that allows them to excel in one area without an ounce of critical thinking, and for this reason they do not recognize hell. They must be shown hell, and this is why our authors and thinkers try increasingly to represent it.
Yet for those who can make the trip from a heaven of ignorant blithe oblivion (modern living) to a realization of not just personal tragedy but the poor design of a civilization leading to inevitable future hell, the experience is life-changing. Small cares fall away. The yawning gap between perception and reality that will swallow us becomes apparent in all that we see. When this wears off, we become accustomed to enduring situations that are so poorly designed it is clear they will end badly, but most people blithely march onward into them. They are ignorant of hell, visible or invisible.
In contrast to our product-oriented media, which tries to make different hells (war, ghetto, sodomy, drugs, AIDS) seem appealing because of their lack of rules, those who have experienced hell have a different look in their eyes. They want to get away from it, because they realize that while the experience of hell is revolutionary, living in hell is not -- it is tedious, both in daily endurance and in knowledge of its certain failure. People who have seen hell tend to find wisdom in traditional family roles, in intangible pleasures like creativity and learning, and in removing themselves from the city to contemplate insignificance under a boundless night sky. They have seen hell, and realize that our modern heaven on earth leads to it, and they must escape.
But of course for most it is too late. They don't have the time, and they don't have the brainpower at hand, or the learning, to see hell, much less the invisible hell. This is why in our society, 90% of the people are oblivious and 8% are busy profiting from hell while only 2% are actually worried. Hell is easy to avoid, now, because they are worried about visible hells like war and anarchy. Our society of course as an all-inclusive place is bias against genius, because not only do they not need including, but they resist efforts toward norming. It detests those who rise above the crowd as they are both socially and bureaucratically awkward to explain to others. This is why few voices speak out about what hell awaits us, but these tend to be the smartest and most experienced voices.
When one has experienced hell, the world expands most prominently into two options: the choice to continue on a path to hell, or the choice to head elsewhere. For those who have not seen hell, the idea of hell -- "freedom" to a teenage self-indulgent Satan in Heaven -- seems appealing. But to those who have seen it, hell is not only not appealing but not rare. It is mundane. The freedom of hell and the oblivion of heaven lead to the same place, which is failure, and the determination of the experienced is to avoid both. Much as the universe recognized its own emptiness, and Satan saw his own failing as liberation, we can find liberation in looking unblinkingly into hell, and then steeling our resolve to choose another path.
One week of blogging action absence is the result of an extremely (well, quite, if I choose not to exaggerate) hectic work schedule. School everyday until 4/5pm on on average, plus many other (quite unneeded) CCA obligations and ectera tra. I feel myself seeping away into the cracks and crevices of my skull, my back forever stiff from sitting still in class and my sleep never really sufficient. I wonder to myself, "Is any of these really essential? Everyone is getting so tired and busy, over stuff that seemed trivial. They have the wrong priorities, man." as I descend into the abyss of melancholic misanthropy once again, like always.
Amidst all the buzz, I longed for a day where I could awake early fresh from a good night's sleep into a world where I could read my favourite novels whilst breakfast and listening to the glorious sounds of the nature. Followed by practising card flourishing with my music player on with metal until evening, then I would go for a stroll in the forests and some meditations. All these without phone-calls, text messages, people telling you to attend this, to do this, to complete that, to reach a deadline, to follow timetables, to observe rules. Just you and the nature. [I am very much inspired by Die Grosse Stille]
Putting aside my sorrows that many would dismiss for being impracticable and escaping reality, my 18th birthday is getting nearer by the day. 16th Jan is the day, people! I will be finally legal, I can consume intoxicating drinks, contribute to the negative externalities to non-smokers, watch shows that contain nudity and more violence when we are bound to bump into Porn websites or slasher films even when we are 10, cause the emission of Carbon Monoxide into the air. Yay! I want to be 18. I have absolutely ran out of ideas how to celebrate. Everyone seem so busy. Bleh. I'll be honouring late Dead Per Yvgne Ohlin's birthday as well, yes, I share the same birthday as the man who sounded like a possessed man from Hell while doing vocals and who killed himself using shotgun. Rest in Eternal Peace, Per Yvgne Ohlin. You are remembered.
Will be going out to get a life on the morrow with Valie, (perhaps) Huron, (perhaps) Adam for my mini-birthday celebration. I have no idea what to do as well. Everything seem so boring. Ah wells. Will be visiting Jaspas at Tampiness Mall and perhaps we might drink. :P
Remember my Gen Y PlayBox Review? They finally sent me the Prize. It's a $30 cheque. Pfft. Bleh. Going to use it to get Dan and Dave's Trilogy DVDs.
Other than that, I'm contemplating to perform Flourishing during Chinese New Year, I need stuff in my Graduation Certificate. So, expect something visually astounding to come your way!
Hereby wishing a very Happy 38th Birthday to the God of Fuck himself, Marilyn Manson! Much as I am unable to say it to you personally, with more sincerity (not that I have none), I hope you could feel the devotion from your fans worldwide and continue your wondrous art to futhur inspire us to greater heights. Your success has driven me to emulate it in every way possible.
Secondly, also a birthday well-wishing to Jordan Lapping, have a good 15th birthday, The One Who Is Insane With Jackson 5! =)
Speaking of unrelated matters, after 3 days of being a JC2 student has gave me some sort of sneak peek of what is about to come my way. I must say I am even more determined to get the hell out of SRJC. One more bloody fucking year, assholes, then I'll be out! And never back!
2 days ago, I was battling the urge to work at HMV. Why does this queer thought decides invade my mind at this point of time?!
Right now, I'm resorted to randomly crapping with Keroy for sane company in class, with the absence of Ivan - The Dildo-Obsessed guy. I need a fast-forward button. I want to fucking graduate! Ok, enough of angst...
I need a life. I need to go out with Val/Jaspas/Rh really soon. Like tomorrow. Hall, we come!
I have thoughts of resigning everything to become a hermit as well, LingNemesis.
¶ 10:44 pm0 comments
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Thanks Vika for this! Which made my week for sure.
There's a zoophilist, a necrophilia and a masochist sitting on a wall and a cat walks by. The zoophilist says: Oh, how I want to fuck that cat. Then the necrophilia says, after you fuck her, I'll kill her and fuck her. And the masochist goes: Meow.
I busted a total of $17.65 on taxi fare to get home from the shitty town area when the trains have stopped its operation. $17.65. I could have gotten myself an album with that sum of money. Ack! So, fellow friends, what's so good about the year 2007? I was spending the first couple of hours of 2007 worrying sick about my trip back home. This is discerning.
Anyway, let's shift our attention back a little while ago, while we were still in the good old 2006.
In brevity, due to my aching-as-hell back, I shall post in point form: - Bought the handy many pocketed Samuel and Kevin pants as recommended by Jaspas Himself. - Went to the Istana Open House, which consisted of many grass pastures and over-concerned policemen. *thoughtcrime* - Done the final stoning session at The Magic Hall. - My last meal of 2006 was Mos Burger. - The last drink of 2006 was Burger King's coke. - The first drink of 2007 was still Burger King's coke. - Hurried off to meet my secondary school friends at the Esplanade. - Damn! The Esplanade is fucking crowded. *recalls moshing skills obtained at Slipknot Gig* - Found my friends, settled down and left after an hour. - Relied on my moshing skills again to get my arse out of City hall and to re-congregate with my flourish friends again. - Last song listened in 2006: The Pathless Path to the Unknownable Knownable - Rudra - Flourish! - Kev came! Soon, 2007 arrived, and Kev announced proudly,"So that's it." - Jaspas and Daren soon followed suit. - Flourish! - Played lame wordgames - Here, I am, spending redundant money on taxi fare.
Now, I need sleep.
I shall employ the "Fuck countdowns" attitude from now onwards. Ugh.
Metal-Listener. Card Flourisher. Aspiring Philosopher. Selective Mugger. Ubermensch-to-be. Inspired by Dharma. Nihilist. The Almost Misanthrope. Yogini. Film Enthusiast. Into everything Occult and the Esotercism. Anti-Pretentious Social Situations. Anti-Religion. Anti-Normal. Observer of This Fucked-Up World. Autodidact. Philomath. Capricorn Cusp Aquarius. Leo Ascendent. Taurus Moon Sign. Economic Left/Right: -1.88 Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -2.05.