Nightmarred and Dreamscarred? I hope not! Hell forbid!
Although tomorrow is a public holiday and I will be relieved of school and its related social ennui, I don't feel exceptionally jovial about it. Why?
Well, just fathom having your mother having almost 3 instances of fainting in less than 4 to 5 days, you might, then, have a vague idea of my current emotional state. One of which I can't do much to relieve her of the distress of a near collapse because I was away in school for another good few hours or more, the factor of not being able to see that she has regained equilibrium and me prosulating several scenarios in my mind was quite a torture. That is not inclusive of the text message she sent that reads - "如果妈妈一天倒下不起，你要好好照顾自己和好好爱爸爸。“, which translates to "If mom were to collapse for good one day, you must take good care of yourselves and love your dad." Not a very pleasant text to receive, at all. It just leaves a very bitter and sour aftertaste after you read the message and stare into the blank space in front of you while you stink in the speechless reverie for a good few minutes, while behind that reverie, your mind conjures all sorts of reasoning why your mom would send such a dismal text message. While the rational side of you vehemently rejects all possiblity of any reasonings your mind have just conjured up. It is a constant mental and emotional warfare over there.
That was not the end of it.
I had dreamt that something fatal that happened upon my mother a few weeks back. And I remembered so very vividly that I weeped in the dream and I could really feel my heart plunging into abyssal depths of my soul, pouring out acid unceasingly. The sense of acute wretchedness was so realistic and sharp that I was awoken by it. I continued to weep even after waking up, for at least a good minute, and then cursed to myself why does this dream have to manifest and condemned Sandman to the pits of Hell. This is, definitely, one time that I did not enjoy an ounce of my (usually highly creative and destructive) dreamscapes. That just added so much more unpleasantness in this whole incident. So everytime I dwelled upon this recollection of this dream, I was teetering between the gap of dream and reality and questioning myself, "Is this gap narrowing?" Which was followed by me cursing even more.
Let this be the full stop to this series of unplesant incidences, shall we? Yes, yes, we should. =)
On the brighter side of the spectrum of events, last saturday saw the largest card flourish gathering (and one of the best) I have witnessed in, arguably, years. Ever since the SMC era, anyway, so that led me to enjoy the session alot albeit I was pushed into joining a card flourish battle-styled compeition (of which I won) at the very last minute. I enjoyed it because the feeling of being surrounded by a good dozen card handlers has been lost for so long and to feel it again felt like I have met a long-lost friend. The feeling was all warm and fuzzy, and it seemed to have removed all the negativities I have long attached to the whole card scene and also restored a different and positive air to a card-flourish session - that is to enjoy flourishing and meet fellow enthusiasts, and not to suspect of closed-doors-talk and the subsequent feeling of isolation within friends. I have to thank Justin for organising it for it re-instilled a sense of optimism for the card scene, and a gale of fresh air as we have saw a few new faces who turned up. =)
And, in school, I have been introduced to a great life-long manner to plot down one's life in a simple and diagrammatic manner in the Developmental Psychology module. It's like constructing a timeline for yourself and marking down events that have changed your life, either positively or negatively. I realised I have had more of positive markings than negative, maybe I chose to filter out the negativities... And, I attributed more events to inner development like finding out Metal Music, card flourishing, Philosophy, which indeed contributed very much to who I am today and has injected much joy in my life despite the solitary quality of those activities... Anyway! Since I am so very impressed by this egocentric activity of autobiography, I have decided to do it once every few years and fill up a mahjong paper! Haha.
¶ 9:48 pm2 comments
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
So my 6 week long school vacation has sounded its death knells and I am now almost halfway through the first week of the second year of my studies in Radiography (still trying to grasp the concept that I am really in this career).
I am mostly glad that I am back in school, to shift my attention away from certain *negative* emotional upheavals pertaining to one of my favourite hobbies that involves finding ways to shuffle pasteboards and largely, underhand, very unemotional ways of fellow hobbyists to their lofty projects and what not. Sigh. So yes, it does feel refreshing to momentarily forgo that sense of emotional aridness and utter isolation, and to immerse myself in simpler tasks like learning and idle chit chat with classmates. Even that latter option is appealing to a person like me, usually so hateful of idle social situations, that tells you alot of the severity of the emotional aridness and isolation I am facing right now. So, I am on an online website detox that is pertaining to any aspect of that above-mentioned hobby. No. That will not be the end of the hobby for me, unfortunately, fellow hobbyists. =)
I was attending the first Communications lecture this afternoon, and one line from the lecturer (whom I thought was a great lecturer already) that hit a very very deep and well-timed chord within me. It goes something like this "I realised something, if you tend to strive for nothing but the truth in any relationship or situation, you are very very likely to be alone." I was sitting there, half reclining with my arms crossed and went speechless mentally for like a minute. Not very easy task to make LingNemesis go speechless mentally for any given amount of time, by the way. Not only did the lecturer gained immediate and utmost respect from me, besides already impressing me alot, this is the rare few times when I felt that I am not going insane from feeling so misanthropic so often. Thank you so much, for that one line. =)
I can't wait for her next lecture. I know great lines will descend from her. I hope I can have a little conversation with her at some point of time.
Hell, bleeping Hell. It has been years and years since I felt that affected by a teacher. The last one being Mr. Dalvey Neo around 5 years ago, back in my secondary school. Amazing.
Too bad it's just a 30 odd hour module. =\
And, tomorrow, we have a National Education lecture which I reckon will be very much like the lower secondary's Social Studies subject. What the hell? I shall enjoy myself by their rendition of Singapore history and what not, and largely by playing out songs and movies in my head, which I am getting exceptionally well at. If my mind proves to be malfunctioning, I can always abuse the free SMS Twitter service. =D
Do not get misguided by the lack of activities here as a sign that yours truly has became a total misanthrope and wallowing in the cesspool of ennui, because I am not at all!
The previous week was pretty much neat, especially the weekend. On one of the weekdays, me, Valerie and Stuart went off to a phototaking trip to Lim Chu Kang area and Marina Barrage. A good change of events from my usual sitting around at the laptop on weekdays during holidays. Unfortunately, the area we are heading for at Lim Chu Kang was occupied by the military for their mission, nonetheless, it was a great trip to the side of Singapore that got me in a very calm state of mind as it was an extremely rare sight here that you don't get to see any vertical buildings within the proximal radius. It almost felt that I was out on one of those bus rides in Malaysia where you see nothing except road and trees. Bliss. Thus, I concluded that you can find some surprises here and there in Singapore too. Amazing stuff.
The result of the photoshoot can be acquired from here.
Saturday saw another public display of the glorious cacophonies of Meza Virs, this time at the Esplanade Outdoor Performing area, under the Baybeats 2009 Final Auditions. Unlike the one I attended at the Hereen which I was alone, a group of us went there together this time round, thanks to my new friends from the local metal music community from Facebook. Of which, I am extremely grateful for, since it has been years and years of hiatus in the local metal scene for me. Anyway, Meza Virs permeated the air of Esplanade and the Singapore bay with awesomeness, needless to say. Although their slot lasted less than a grand total of 15 minutes, I thoroughly enjoyed every cell and pore of myself whilst me and my newfound friends lodged ourselves at the metal barricade between the stage and the audience area, and headbanged with pride and joy. It is a real joy to headbang in public to good live music and to do it together with a group of friends. Almost a privilege. A sheer luxury. I only wished the female vocals microphone's volume was higher since her part wasn't really audible which diluted the performance slightly. Nonetheless, I really wish Meza Virs would make it to the actual Baybeats itself, and that I am rather certain of. It is about time to raise up that Singaporean metal flag high in the Singaporean skies and unleash the prowess! After the performance, I heard other audience saying the headbanging was very neat as we all did it in perfect synchronization. Haha! Well of course! That is what metal is about; beauty in chaos!
Sunday saw the return to the Lim Chu Kang area as I felt very much compelled to explore the place fully instead of just observing from far. This time round, accompained by Kafoosh instead, equipped with a camera, a deck of cards and a tripod and some determination to disregard the mosquitoes' presence, filming was done instead of photo-taking. The results of our endeavours are as follows;
Sunday ended with a late night outing with my sister, which is a rare one due to her unflinching schedule. Bumped into Cedric (the frontman) from the metal band (Meza Virs) I saw on Saturday, pleasant to have met him by accident and told him the performance was top notch. Played Left 4 Dead for around 2 hours until 1am at Serangoon Gardens, and had some prata and Teh Tarik and listened to my sister and her friends talk about music while I felt like complete idiot.
And, today, in a spur of avoiding ennui having to stare at the laptop screen all day, I convinced myself out of the house by 10am which is an hefty accomplishment considering I usually get up around noon during holidays. Went to watch Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino at the new cinema at new Bugis mall - Iluma, which led me to my first experience of watching a movie entirely alone and the subsequent feeling that I own the damn place which was very much regal. I then entertained the thought of the possbility of having such a cinema in my own house, that must have been hellishly luxurious. I got very comfortable until the point of placing my feet up on the seat and sitting cross legged. One word suffices the experience, which will confuse non-Singaporeans, but I am going to say it anyway - shiok. The film itself was alright, it just lacked the subtle quality that I was accustomed to as a film watcher, with the plot being rather explicit and obvious. Nonetheless, the final showdown was rather tight.
After the movie, I decided to head to the bookshop I found out at Facebook called GOHD Books at Serangoon Road, since their email at Facebook seemed to have me interested:
"Hey all! I've decided to let anyone rent the attic space during the day, if you need somewhere very, very, quiet to write, draw, meditate or conduct unspeakable activities. It goes at $5 per hour or $30 for the whole day, until the shop closes. You get free instant coffee/tea, too.
Also, I finally made a website I'm VERY satisfied with, and no one's allowed to comment on the design. It's www.gohd.com.sg.
By the way, occult activities are NOT allowed in the attic; there was once a rumour of a ghost up there, and we've verified that THERE IS NO GHOST, so calm down people. We won't want to check for ghosts AGAIN.
Anyone who wishes for a secluded place to write, draw, meditate, etc etc, can use our very, very, very quiet attic space for $5 per hour or $30 a day. However, the attic may collapse if any more than 4 people go in at a time, so enter at your own risk!"
Indeed, the attic is so fragile, I could feel the floorboards beneath my feet pressing down as I stepped on it, and the steps leading up to the attic are heinous. The shopkeeper (Deyana) said, "Live dangerously!" when I mentioned the steps were heinous. Haha! So Nietzschean, which made it so awesome. The collection there was impressive as well, stored alot of my favourite reads. Chatted with the Deyana for abit about favourite reads and I am very glad to find that she likes Nietzsche as well, although to a less fervent degree than myself and that we both loved the works of Camus and Keroauc. Amazing. I would definitely head back there again, to use the dangerous and very quiet attic to conduct unspeakable acts and to overcome that heinous flight of steps. Very cool place indeed, if I were to feel an onslaught of mental drought coming my way or in severe lack of inspiration, I will head there to introduce myself to new authors. I have no idea what GOHD stands for though.
¶ 7:43 pm0 comments
The human destiny is forever limited by the idiocy of bureaucracy and the excesses of social expectations. - LingNemesis, 2007 C.E.
Metal-Listener. Card Flourisher. Aspiring Philosopher. Selective Mugger. Ubermensch-to-be. Inspired by Dharma. Nihilist. The Almost Misanthrope. Yogini. Film Enthusiast. Into everything Occult and the Esotercism. Anti-Pretentious Social Situations. Anti-Religion. Anti-Normal. Observer of This Fucked-Up World. Autodidact. Philomath. Capricorn Cusp Aquarius. Leo Ascendent. Taurus Moon Sign. Economic Left/Right: -1.88 Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -2.05.