This arid mindscape
This is an utter blasphemy. I have only entered something into this place once
in the whole of February.
Something is lacking within me. The drive to express myself that I used to possess so fervently and the subsequent falling into the cesspool of swamp-like ennui. Perhaps, ever since when I started to use an one-liner updating plus conversing tool called Twitter of which was the depository place for most of my thoughts and emotions, I could no longer find the energy into a full length discourse. =\ Not too good.
I will attempt to revert back again.
So, how are things treating me recently?
Taking into consideration that I am rather incapacitated by a thing called clinical attachment for the past 3 weeks, I think you can deduce the level of my current temperament fairly easily. It is very emotionally and spiritually taxing to commit that amount of time and energy into a thing that one hasn't had original intentions to venture into. As the timeline drags further into this unexpected direction, the more intense and acute did I felt the sense of alienation and inhumanity gnawing at the depths of my insides. Can't say I am depressed. I am just ... tired, of not getting what I yearn for. I long to feel wholesomely inspired, like how I did when I was studying GP or Economics back at JC. Is a place to study Humanities and Social Sciences so difficult? The more I delve, the more I feel inhumane. The only time I can feel somewhat adequate in my clinical attachment is when I introspect on the basis of human suffering and pain when I looked upon patients, that suspending quality of introspective reverie. That few minutes. So incredibly precious.
Deriving from my sparse moments of precious reveries, I thought of way *albeit an rough idea at the current stage* to analyse or account for the essence of existence. And, I am not even sure if it's something remotely new. Anyway!
We do all have good and bad times, if I were to use those 2 very vague and discriminating terms, which most people would dictate their outlook on life by a very narrow and misguided view of the number of good(s) and bad(s) they have experienced. Quick to judge, so to speak. In my "idea", I think the number of good(s) and bad(s) meant completely nothing. Abitrary. Devoid of any value. I hope you can deduce that the abitrary factor will lead you to the fact that I subscribe to no dieism. =) So, in life, the "good" and "bad" will come and slot themselves in here and there, until there is equal amount of "good" and "bad". When that happens, everything gets cancelled out, the cessation of life occurs.
Many would say this is too deeply nihilistic. I agree and acknowledge.
I don't know, some part of me says this is a very abstract doctrine that cannot be measured out, some part of me says "So, Ling, since life is nothing with no such thing called "good" and "bad", so how are we supposed to live, and what are we living for?"
Deeply depressing. And, disturbing.
I could no longer sift through the morass within my depths and write something sustainable.
This is a crisis.
I need inspiration and I shall not be engulfed by a malaise of expressive ennui.
It really scares me that my heart could no longer feel and my mind could no longer provide the stimulus to write. It is a threatening plague, a cancerous malady. Inhumanity. Or rather, the opposite, considering how majority of humanity lacks a certain introspective quality, haha. Meh.
The above leads me inevitably to wonder how working adults' minds function. So bland, without flavour, without style, no flair, plagued with ennui.
I read bad English at my current location of hospital internship whose name I shall not bear to put out for it will put a bad light on the hospital. Bad, I mean, really atrocious. Do they even check the red line that appears beneath the word on the Word Processor? It disturbs me with tremendous quantity that those adults are getting paid that much with such a terrible level of linguistic command. Nevermind little gritty grammatical errors, but glaring spelling mistakes that even a Primary 3 kid could discern? I could only be amazed and disgusted at the same moment.
For example "holiday season that are sorts after". Oh. My. Fucking. God.
I cannot imagine my 20 to 40 years of probable length of working life to be surrounded by such incoherent people. That is pure degrading. My guess is that I would have performed hara kiri
on myself by the end of the first month, if I am lucky.
Must think of ways to dodge such an arid land of unceasing dullness and salvage the scant amount of sanity that is left in me.
On other news, some pictures of my new 5 megapixel-equipped handphone camera! Which I am very pleased with as I can go trigger happy with a decent enough quality.
There are some optimism and joy left in such a depressing and disgusting modern human life after all, eh?
I foresee myself reading alot of Nietzsche when I am flung into the uninspiring working world if I am going to commit to this field of career. For, I acutely require the lofty and mighty quality of the Nietzschean spirit to surround myself with if I want to avoid the hara kiri.
And, I am not even starting on my discourse on my love-life...