Einsamkeit
Thursday, April 30, 2009
  Nightmarred and Dreamscarred? I hope not! Hell forbid!
Although tomorrow is a public holiday and I will be relieved of school and its related social ennui, I don't feel exceptionally jovial about it. Why?

Well, just fathom having your mother having almost 3 instances of fainting in less than 4 to 5 days, you might, then, have a vague idea of my current emotional state. One of which I can't do much to relieve her of the distress of a near collapse because I was away in school for another good few hours or more, the factor of not being able to see that she has regained equilibrium and me prosulating several scenarios in my mind was quite a torture. That is not inclusive of the text message she sent that reads - "如果妈妈一天倒下不起,你要好好照顾自己和好好爱爸爸。“, which translates to "If mom were to collapse for good one day, you must take good care of yourselves and love your dad." Not a very pleasant text to receive, at all. It just leaves a very bitter and sour aftertaste after you read the message and stare into the blank space in front of you while you stink in the speechless reverie for a good few minutes, while behind that reverie, your mind conjures all sorts of reasoning why your mom would send such a dismal text message. While the rational side of you vehemently rejects all possiblity of any reasonings your mind have just conjured up. It is a constant mental and emotional warfare over there.

That was not the end of it.

I had dreamt that something fatal that happened upon my mother a few weeks back. And I remembered so very vividly that I weeped in the dream and I could really feel my heart plunging into abyssal depths of my soul, pouring out acid unceasingly. The sense of acute wretchedness was so realistic and sharp that I was awoken by it. I continued to weep even after waking up, for at least a good minute, and then cursed to myself why does this dream have to manifest and condemned Sandman to the pits of Hell. This is, definitely, one time that I did not enjoy an ounce of my (usually highly creative and destructive) dreamscapes. That just added so much more unpleasantness in this whole incident. So everytime I dwelled upon this recollection of this dream, I was teetering between the gap of dream and reality and questioning myself, "Is this gap narrowing?" Which was followed by me cursing even more.

Let this be the full stop to this series of unplesant incidences, shall we? Yes, yes, we should. =)

--------------------------------------------------------------

On the brighter side of the spectrum of events, last saturday saw the largest card flourish gathering (and one of the best) I have witnessed in, arguably, years. Ever since the SMC era, anyway, so that led me to enjoy the session alot albeit I was pushed into joining a card flourish battle-styled compeition (of which I won) at the very last minute. I enjoyed it because the feeling of being surrounded by a good dozen card handlers has been lost for so long and to feel it again felt like I have met a long-lost friend. The feeling was all warm and fuzzy, and it seemed to have removed all the negativities I have long attached to the whole card scene and also restored a different and positive air to a card-flourish session - that is to enjoy flourishing and meet fellow enthusiasts, and not to suspect of closed-doors-talk and the subsequent feeling of isolation within friends. I have to thank Justin for organising it for it re-instilled a sense of optimism for the card scene, and a gale of fresh air as we have saw a few new faces who turned up. =)

And, in school, I have been introduced to a great life-long manner to plot down one's life in a simple and diagrammatic manner in the Developmental Psychology module. It's like constructing a timeline for yourself and marking down events that have changed your life, either positively or negatively. I realised I have had more of positive markings than negative, maybe I chose to filter out the negativities... And, I attributed more events to inner development like finding out Metal Music, card flourishing, Philosophy, which indeed contributed very much to who I am today and has injected much joy in my life despite the solitary quality of those activities... Anyway! Since I am so very impressed by this egocentric activity of autobiography, I have decided to do it once every few years and fill up a mahjong paper! Haha.
 
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