Monday, March 31, 2008
  The Battle Rages On...
I am so hungry.
I am so worn.
I am so tormented.
I am so deprived.
I am so in desperate need to get well, entirely and very much quickly.

I am so hungry because while you readers gorged yourselves mad with fast food/soda/chips/whatever delicacies during that whole of the past week, Ling has been surviving on a wild diet of water, thin porridge, milk and pieces of fruits. I am so hungry. What's worse is the fact that my diabolical toothbrush that I used previously carried the infection from my throat back up to my gums, infecting them altogether. So, I have red swollen gums that hurt (alot) whenever I attempt to chew something normally. Hard to imagine the level of agony, well, um, just visualise having sandpapers all around your mouth. ^_^ There, there, you're getting close to the stage that I am at. Then, deterred by this hellish experience, I get even hungrier.

I am so worn because having to put your body through a guantlet of pills and self-imposed hunger strike is not something enjoyable at all, self-explanatory. I got so worn out that I have been sleeping at 8/9pm and waking up at 10/11am for the past few days, and I still feel sleepy in the middle of the day. I don't (can't) even flourish now. I just can't. I try to do a few simple routine things, they fall apart in the middle. The deck is starting to feel funny in my hands... I try to distract myself being online, after half an hour, I got tired again, as in really physically tired. Thereafter, I just flop myself on my bed and stare at the ceiling and getting killed by the overpowering silence. I am so worn.

I am so tormented. I think I can skip this point, as you can sufficiently gather my level of torment from the above.

I am so deprived, hmm, not being able to eat decently for 1 week plus, being constantly tired, having a torture chamber for a mouth, go figure. Just don't let me smell anything. Even Satan has his limits...

I long to walk down the streets with a clear mind, good level of energy, and being able to eat well...

I am just glad that I am not needed to deal with school at the same time.
Monday, March 24, 2008
  39 degrees
39 degrees? What 39 degrees? Well, that was the temperature of my body hours ago. It seems that the fever isn't done with me yet. It came back last night, I thought I could sleep it off, but I remain very much feverish in my bed, with my blanket covering to til my chin when my air con isn't even switched on. But no, at 5.30am, it was so bad that I got up and downed 2 pills. Later this morning, I woke up soaked with sweat. I thought I am fine.

But bloody fuck fever refused to let me go. Which is actually a good thing, in a weird way. It's always good to have people tend to you at your every whim. Haha! So yeah, went to the nearby polyclinic for treatment where I spent 2 odd hours waiting (im)patiently for the incompetent doctor and complying to the inefficient system of public healthcare.

That's when I know my body reached 39 degrees. Those mouth thermometer you get from your school is just inaccurate. >_>

Afterwhich, I got home, and the real shit happened. Besides from feeling that I am spinning really fast when I sit upright, I went from intense shivering inside out of my human shell and feeling numbness at my right fingertips (of which, I really panicked for the first time, because screwed up hands = doomed for flourishing, lol), to feeling as though my eyeballs were deep fried at 300 degrees and my brain was clutched by some nefarious steel gripper. It wasn't too fun.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008
  If only dreams could manifest as reality...
I want dreams to materialise into tangible reality because I had one very awesome dream last night. I played live guitar for Dragonforce, replacing Herman Li! It seriously felt so damn real when I "played" Through Fire and Flames in my dream realm, lol. XD. I think that absurdly surreal dream might be due to the fever I had last evening, I started talking weird and nonsensical things to my parents and friends on Msn (Valie would have experienced that).

This is Dragonforce, if you didn't already know.

Speaking of the fever, I skipped dinner last night and went to sleep straight. Hmm, which means I haven't eaten anything since 20 odd hours ago. Kickass. Yay, free slimming. >_\/ (man, what a weird emoticon!) Haha! The odd of the fever and all that crap is that I feel so strengthless now. Ack, slimming still overwhelms everything. Geez! Have you seen Ling being so bloody vain before? Ling has never ever mentioned anything about slimming down publicly before. Ling is still a woman afterall, let me remind you. =)

I realised this post is largely redundant... Oh, wait, aren't all blog posts redundant in their inherent nature?
Monday, March 17, 2008
  Just to reassure you that I am fine.
Well, in case you have came up with the thought that Ling has sunken into a hopeless bout of depression, I am fine although I still feel abit sore inside about you-know-what.

Putting aside the past and all that depression thing about a string of alphabets, I woke up with a damn parched throat this morning. So parched and dry that you can film Sahara in my throat. Ack. I drowned myself with 4 full cups of water to relieve it and 2 big spoonful of that minty liquid Singaporeans call "chuan-bei-pi-ba-gao".

As a proponent of Tibetan Buddhism myself, it saddens me to see Tibet is in turmoil since late last week, with monks committing suicide in renowned monasteries such as Sera monastery. Those 2 monks are close to H.H. Dalai Lama himself. Such melancholy. I seriously doubt the 11th Panchen Lama would be able to wrest himself out of the grip of the Chinese authorities at all. I am seeing the whole "Tiananmen" incident repeating itself again... And who shall be the Tankman this time round? Bah, I am very much tempted to say "Boycott the August Beijing Olympics 2008!". Lol.

Besides being so serious minded, hmm, let's see. I have done something nice last week. Inspired by a Deviant Artist from Italy called Lorenzo Mariani who does incredible work with a pencil. To show you a thing that he did:

Can you believe it's done by a mere pencil on paper? This looks fucking realistic and perfect. When I discovered his works, I went hysterical and very much owned for 2 days straight. It drove me to do something similar, although the quality is lacking in mine.
Very far away from Lorenzo's standard, indeed. Bleah.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
  My life just hit a new low.
I felt that it is better for me to type something here to vent out my thoughts rather than to be bottled in my morass of thoughts any longer.

So yes, I got back my A Levels results on Friday. Rather, very catastrophic, I must add. University life is not completely ruled out yet, but I still feel pretty bruised inside. Bruised in a way that I will have to let go of opting for a science-based course and make the switch to another field, perhaps social sciences or Economics. It's an especially tough obstacle that I will have to brace myself for, when I have a deep-rooted conviction all these years since upper secondary that biology is my vocation. Well, if you are wondering, biology chose to disappoint me at this very cruical moment of all examinations I have had in JC by plummeting 2 to 3 grades down from my preliminary exam grade. Very gallant of you, Biology. This feels like dealing with a breakup. The sense of betrayal is too harsh and it came too sudden. This is the second time in my life I have felt so lost, so bruised, so helpless. I will never ever look at Biology the same way again...

Other than that emotional upheaval (not in a positive connotation) that I am experiencing now. I must say that my Economics grade did gave me abit of a surprise. I recalled not studying much for it (only browsed through the notes a few days before the exam) and by reasoning, I freestyled my way during that 3 hour long exam. That session of freestyling gave me my one and only "A" grade, unfortunately. Considering the fact that I never touched the fringes of As/Bs during my normal economic exams, this aspect of my results is somewhat pleasant.

Well, my other subjects did according to my humble expectations, so I have nothing to complain about.

But still! Ling is bruised. And, this time, she is not enjoying that.

Instead of dwelling in what has already happened like how I would usually do when I was younger, I shall give thought to my next destination in life. I'm getting increasingly convinced that the path of sciences/mathematics isn't for me. I was merely following the conventional trend and found myself struggling relentlessly to keep myself above the water in both upper secondary and JC. It has been a route filled with hardships. Many people around me *parents* would have retorted me by saying I haven't put in my fullest effort yet, but to be honest with myself, I couldn't find the emotional linkage to learning science anymore... It's just another race.

I have consulted my secondary school teacher/good friend, Mr. Neo, about the choice of going over to courses like Sociology, Psychology, he said it's a good choice. I'm inclined towards that field of studies since the start of my JC life, self-reading about philosophy, current affairs and getting very interested in different cultures and societies etc. Maybe it might be a good thing for me to do the switch afterall, since I have some prior interest.

I have no idea...
Thursday, March 06, 2008
The reason why Ling hasn't been blogging all week is the looming fact that her A Level results will be out really really soon, like "tomorrow-soon". That would meant the decreasing positive in me to think of nice phrases to say here.

In the meantime, let me dwell in a semi-conscious melancholic reverie whilst I confuse myself even futhur into depression under the illusionary thoughts that I'm going to do awfully bad.

Fuck. =(
The human destiny is forever limited by the idiocy of bureaucracy and the excesses of social expectations. - LingNemesis, 2007 C.E.

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