This arid mindscape
This is an utter blasphemy. I have only entered something into this place once
in the whole of February.
Something is lacking within me. The drive to express myself that I used to possess so fervently and the subsequent falling into the cesspool of swamp-like ennui. Perhaps, ever since when I started to use an one-liner updating plus conversing tool called Twitter of which was the depository place for most of my thoughts and emotions, I could no longer find the energy into a full length discourse. =\ Not too good.
I will attempt to revert back again.
So, how are things treating me recently?
Taking into consideration that I am rather incapacitated by a thing called clinical attachment for the past 3 weeks, I think you can deduce the level of my current temperament fairly easily. It is very emotionally and spiritually taxing to commit that amount of time and energy into a thing that one hasn't had original intentions to venture into. As the timeline drags further into this unexpected direction, the more intense and acute did I felt the sense of alienation and inhumanity gnawing at the depths of my insides. Can't say I am depressed. I am just ... tired, of not getting what I yearn for. I long to feel wholesomely inspired, like how I did when I was studying GP or Economics back at JC. Is a place to study Humanities and Social Sciences so difficult? The more I delve, the more I feel inhumane. The only time I can feel somewhat adequate in my clinical attachment is when I introspect on the basis of human suffering and pain when I looked upon patients, that suspending quality of introspective reverie. That few minutes. So incredibly precious.
Deriving from my sparse moments of precious reveries, I thought of way *albeit an rough idea at the current stage* to analyse or account for the essence of existence. And, I am not even sure if it's something remotely new. Anyway!
We do all have good and bad times, if I were to use those 2 very vague and discriminating terms, which most people would dictate their outlook on life by a very narrow and misguided view of the number of good(s) and bad(s) they have experienced. Quick to judge, so to speak. In my "idea", I think the number of good(s) and bad(s) meant completely nothing. Abitrary. Devoid of any value. I hope you can deduce that the abitrary factor will lead you to the fact that I subscribe to no dieism. =) So, in life, the "good" and "bad" will come and slot themselves in here and there, until there is equal amount of "good" and "bad". When that happens, everything gets cancelled out, the cessation of life occurs.
Many would say this is too deeply nihilistic. I agree and acknowledge.
I don't know, some part of me says this is a very abstract doctrine that cannot be measured out, some part of me says "So, Ling, since life is nothing with no such thing called "good" and "bad", so how are we supposed to live, and what are we living for?"
Deeply depressing. And, disturbing.