Wednesday, April 09, 2008
  Of boredom and mental struggle
I did the impossible today. I took up the initiative and went for a jog this evening, which wasn't too much of a success truthfully. I was in the mindset I could at least do a continous jog for 15 minutes or something, so I used a rather quick pace and went for a steady run. Shit, I, then, realised my body wasn't in the right mode for it, plus the after-effects of my week long illness made my body really incapable of such cardiac activity. Adding into account that I have not attempted any form of cardio exercise since the end of my NAPFA test back in JC2, I felt incredibly unfit at the end of the run walk. But the sweating part is pretty awesome to feel. =) Ah wells!

That's the part about boredom, because 2008 feels like one big shunyata if you ask me. Nothing is really happening...

Now about the part about mental struggle. Actually, it's not too much of a struggle as in coming of a definitive conclusion/decision. It's just a situation that I found myself to be stuck in of which I really disliked. Well, I applied at 2 polytechnics in sync with the university applications, as a backup plan in case my university applications weren't smooth. You'd know. My A Level grades aren't good enough for an ensured smooth transition to varsity. So yeah, I got offered a place at Nanyang Polytechnic, at their Diagnostic Radiography course. It's only meant for A Level holders, but any sane being won't want to be wasting additional time at an insitution to get a diploma when he could head elsewhere to get a degree. People around me are telling me to abandon the Poly route, denouncing it, and rather advise me to retake my A Levels or head to a privatised university like SIM or something. I really have no idea. I won't want to live on the wild side and risk withdrawing from polytechnic because at least it's a path I could undertake and do something with, albeit not much. People also told me it's a path [polytechnic's] which won't lead me anywhere far. However, I don't wish to dangle around in case my university applications failed and go self-study for another try at the A Levels, which will be a challenging task as studying alone without structure is insane. Fuck. So fucked. I am so messed up inside, you can't even draw a mindmap out of my mind...

Polytechnic orientation this coming Friday. I guess I should carry a serious mindset when I go there, who knows? I might really end up there for my next 3 years. My eyes are tainted with bleakness.

Ironically, a few nights ago, in one of my dreams in my sleep, something amazing occured. A bodhisattva - Guan Yin/Avaloeskitesvara/Chenrezig/Goddess of Mercy appeared in my dream. Well, she/he just walked peacefully beside me, and I walked peacefully beside him/her. He/she was really ivory white and really majestic in composure, with a strange yet compelling and gentle quality of light emitting from him/her in all directions. Fantastic sensation to behold.

Then, I thought, "Hell, I hope he/she is taking care of my next academic path! Make it smooth, bodhisattva!" I thought again, "Meh, that's bullshit wishful thinking!"

See? What a mental mess I am entrenched in.
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The human destiny is forever limited by the idiocy of bureaucracy and the excesses of social expectations. - LingNemesis, 2007 C.E.

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